Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
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hiirah-Mahiirraahh, 05/08/1991Loves Sushi&Chocolate. I'm a fan of Purple/Red/Yellow. I felt that night, on the stage, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What’s so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What’s so great about feeling and dreaming? — Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Talk it Loud
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Saturday, February 28, 2009
P.E is fun, and not boring Yesterday PE damn fun sia... I've never spend much fun... This time i use all my strength to play... The game i've played before when i was in secondary sch... but only passing never get the chance to betting... OK, yesterday we play baseball... Its to damn fun... if can i want to play next week no changing what game we will play... i heard next week we are going to play swimming pool... i think not sure... but some of my classmate wanted rematch... me too... i want to play more... more.... if possible i want pe more fun... haha... thats all... haha... Thursday, February 26, 2009
My dream of design here I come... Yeah... My dream of designing clothes is coming to fulfill.... But its a recycled fashion design.... But this is the time to show my talents... Isn't it great? First I need to sketch a design... The material that need to use is plastic, paper, metal and etc. I also don't know what is the etc. and it is because RECYCLED... Cotton clothe can be use as the base... Now i don't have the idea yet and haven't even draw yet... 10 best design will be selected... i don't mind be selected or not... But I really want to be selected of course? I want my classmate not to look down on me... I want them to know that i can do it... i want them to know I'm only good at this... Firstly, when i wanted to take this thing... My teacher said you want can? But you can sketch... I proof him lor? I said I CAN DO IT... LOL.... I proof him that i can draw... Lucky I bring my sketch book... but i bring the less design book... When i showed him... He said.... This make me a little proud of myself.. He said, you got talent on this... Of course... I LOVE to draw... Lately, I didn't have time to draw... only draw Massu (Masuda Takahisa) head... haha.. End from here.... Still now, i'm still frighten from my friend.... The way it talk... it scares me alot... <---- This is Masuda Takahisa nickname Massu, this is the guy i try to draw... Isn't he adoreable and cute? Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I'm sorry to write this... The first thing is I started to hate school now... I may like to go to school... Bit by bit it becoming more boring... Today i didn't do anything at all. Project lesson i was useless siting there do nothing... Just look at my group member doing the board blocks... And i was sit the opposite way cutting the board into small pieces... When the class was going down buy the board, i didn't followed them... I just stay in class.... While they were gone, i was siting there bored... Then my project teacher told me, what's your dream or is it what kind of dream do you want... I told him, I WANT TO DRAW... He told me, don't waste my time just siting here doing nothing... Next class was, Turning. Now i beginning to hate that class... HATE IT... I was late because i went to Tampines Mall... I knew i will get lecture with the teacher... The class started at 1.30 and i was only 30 min late... WTF... he told me i was late more than one hour... when i need help with the machine... to be frank the machine is 'STUPID MACHINE'... Yup, when i needed help, my classmate help me... just a little but its ok... i didn't ask him to do all for me... After he help a little he went back to his place as i was doing it by myself... Then, this is where i started to Hate and sad... While i was doing the workpiece... My form teacher is the turning teacher too... walk around to check on us... i was cutting a very deep cutting, i didn't do one by one... then he check on me... Then, like shit lor... he scolded me for nothing.... I just want to the FUUcCK you la... at the face... He started saying me, see you, you always never listen in the class how can you do anyhow? see what happen now? he continued you always make me angry... that time i nearly cry... i try to stand there make face... he continued, he said when the first time i see you, you always never listen.... then he said, why stand there like a boss come here do... then i started to do...when is break time, i washed my hand and reflect the word that he said. it almost made cry... i sited outside the workshop as i was listen to my music player... i think of myself. think negative thoughts of me... I told myself, why i am born stupid, slow and a weak girl... i text my friend, he told me i'm not... i told him back i am. The really me is actually; Slow, weak, dumb, and easily get hurt a lot. whenever, a person started to talk rough or bad things and can easily get angry or sad. but mostly sad. Slow, yes i am. even i'm slow i can do it. Dumb, yes! my speech is bad. i'm only bad at collecting word that i'm going to say... but i'm good at saying in english... Hurt? whenever they scold me. i easily get frighten... I'm really REALLY SORRY to say this... Whenever my friends that i've been near now... i easily get frighten.. He/She never like to talk very much... when i talk to him/her that he/she can't understand. the he/she said, what are you talking, i can't even undersatnd what you are saying... that started to frighten me... after that i didn't talk... Him/Her way of talking sometimes give me a goosebumbs or frightening me... I can't hate he/she... he/she is my friend... but sometimes i can't understand him/her at all... caz i'm slow... Again, I AM REALLY REALLY SORRY TO SAY THIS. My wishes that i really wish i can get from god is, I want people to understand me bit by bit... I want a good life then this... I want to be pretty and beautiful. (only god can do that?) If can i want to be popular. I want to improve my drawing skill I want to draw morning still night with my whole heart in it. I want to have a job at the airport. I want to meet my dream guy... I want to improve my singing and sing till i end my life... I want to go japan and learn how to say japanese completely <------I want to meet him. And the rest of the NEWS members... I want my freedom when im 18. I want be free from my invisible kuro torikago (black birdcage) I want my family understand me why i like japanese very much. The thing i really want is all... I want to end my life with a happy feeling in my heart... that i've done it... faithfully, -hiirah- Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Don't make me cry... Whenever i got scolded it hurt my heart again... this time more... i will be 18 in august, and my parent disciplines has become more and more threatening... Whenever i get home late... Their thoughts have become negative. It's not like i came back home at midnight. That crazy. Whenever i'm on my way to home, they called me and told me something bad that want to make me kill myself. Like you better quit school... What a bad thing... i thought every parents want their child to school.. but-- i can't stand it anymore... It make me nearly cry... Why does my life has curfew... i know that i'm a girl and it is bad go home at night... Their nags and scolding has been added and added... Like WTF. This thing will make me more crazy... Especially my dumb father... I HATE HIM. He the one always make me cry and my mum too... it really hurts a lot... They may know how i feel towards the scolding but they don't know how my life has been by their scolding they had given... i know they love us... BUT PLEASE give me a break with it... When i get scolded by my DUMB DAd he likes to shout... i hate a lot... and he has a short temper... every single thing he shouts his hands is out of control... he likes to throw things... whenever he wanted to throw things to me i runaway to a room and started to cry loud... HE so stupid and say to me what for to cry... what a dumb reason is that.... when i told tem i wanted concelling they will say what for? to me this is too serious... i felt like troma in my head... it too stress... i do have my limit... but this is too much...too much... i cried and cried till i didn't have a voice to speak. my voice was sinking at that time... i nearly became crazy turn into unormal... that time when i cried i started to laugh then cry back then laugh then continue to cry... i was crazy at that time... i was in depression... i dun mind eatting 5 pills... My father always make me pissed off... whenever i i'm sleeping he disturb... and then he aske me too eat which i will delay it... he treat me like a little kid... he himself is like little kid... FuCk Off... i'm sorry to say this to mum but whenever you start to scolding me it make me heartbroken... Everytime... Mum why can't you understand my pain... and why, whenever i love japan groups or others... why japan is forbbiden for me... this is unfair... why can't i have a cool parents... why can't i have a good dad... why i chose chinese friends then the malay... you won't understand... for the malay, my classmates... I HATE THEM. for the chinese is so-so. i always by myself... that is why i try to be with my female friends... I, I just can't say anything... class has become more boring and my life too... and my teacher too can't understand how my life is through... i only wish to get more marks for the coming exam. that is what im worrying. but when i want to study there is always a disturbance. the thing that worry me is can i made it to exam and pass. thats the question... You may see me happy inside but worrying in the inside... in her heart she is always crying. Sunday, February 15, 2009
JUMP=? Ultra Music Power - HEY SAY JUMP [PV] Mayonaka no Shadow Boy - Hey! Say! JUMP These two music video that i like from them... This is HEY SAY JUMP! There are 10 members... Why called HEY SAY JUMP? Mostly they born on the Heisei Era...in japan is like that... JUMP is (Johnny Ultra Music Power) try to listen the 1st vid... the voice... Thursday, February 12, 2009
Done done done.... Haha.... this thing i made last week... its paper rose... its a bit hard but i managed to do it...YEH!!! from the picture it look real and nice but when i hold it. it look DULL... since my ATM card have been taken by my parents... I now helpless... when i started thinking of clothes perfumes and more... i think to myself... SHIT! No card... 'Mummy I want my card back!!!!' but i'm try to save money... it hurts alot... savving money and bring $2 to school. it really hurts... 20x5=100... that is what im planing... collecting $20 every week for 5 weeks... but i dunno what happen if i collect for 5 month... this money is for the overseas trip too... YEaH!!! We will go to the overseas but not yet decide what country... the teacher not yet give up the Australia, Perth trip... but the problem is 4 gals in one room... but my fren disagree with it she wan with me alone... to me... is ok... at least have a place to sleep... 5 mnth it take 20wk... $20x20wk= $400 i think? i fail my maths..HAHAHA... i aim to 1,000... Argh...it so hard... but i wish holidays i got extra cash... HAHAHA... Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Happy Birthday... Happy Birthday little sister... haha... You are just 10... Wish you a good 10th birthday....HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUSFIRAH... Sunday, February 8, 2009
The slowest in the family... In my family there is 6 of us living together. Among the 6 i'm the 2nd slowest in the family the 1st is my father... last friday on the 6/2 i've been caught by mum when we went to the bank... went i got home she knows that i use up the bank money... ARGHHH... for three days they talk about money, money and money... then today my dad ask my NETS card as he took it... ARGHHH... my card has been fly away from me...when i talk to my friend that once i watch japan drama once more this computer they wanted to put a password.. nonsense sia... i've got 2 acc, one is my bro and one is for family... once is the family acc hav put password they won't giv me the pasword.. such a crap family... No ones knows what is my brother like... im the slowest in the family thats why i get easily bullied... i use to the bullied but the scolding is just adding... but i dunno if i can take it... for example yeasterday... the FUCKING irrated... they wanted to be fast, fast... i was doing my hair and wanted to fast because of grandma birthday... dad, bro and me went first... that time i was just drying and straighten my hair now i cut short a bit complicated to straighten it... ask to hurry. i haven pack my bag yet... i was so angry i throw my things in the bag, like compact powder,comb,ezlink,psp,mp4 and two more item... when they shouted hurry from the door... i throw my bag to the wall.. as i had it enough... i didn't talk to them when on the way... they should know im angry... and i haven put my make up yet... it was unbelieveable... too unbelieveable... they were taking the stairs as i took the lift.. when i was walking to the bus stop i hurry put my make up and repair my hair... the worst i didn't sit in the train for an hour... from tampines to jurong... worst... until i reach to my grandma house i started talking... it was unbelieveable... just trying hard to live... Sunday, February 1, 2009
HATE it very much... this life is just hurting me... now i'm kinda writing my feeling at home... my parents just hurting my feelings... i just can't stand it anymore... they don't know how i feel. it make me more angry and more hurting... oh great! my life is still like a bird in the cage.. one thing that annoys me... my sister... she always walking the room and like to look wat i'm doing... like this... when i'm bloging she like to read wat i type... very kepo.... one my grandma... accused people any how... that wat i really hate... my mum is a accused too... sorry mum if i say that... but it really annoys me... my father is a NO NO NO persons... doesn't allow me to go out or wat... there is two things i really hate it... (1) is my brother... is the BITCH in the house... (2) My life is stangle from this house... i really hate my brother a lot... what i do. he will report it to mum... same as my sister....that always annoys me... this family is just scary for me.... its just like a ghost family... i don't why or how? but ya... its creeps me out... my brother is the devil son, my sister is just a monkey ghost, i can't say it to the older people its very rude... so i don't want it. i will keep it personal... but i told the ghost family to joeii.. i thinks she remebers... now i'm in a hell of stress.... money, trip, stories, and more... can't say it and more... just need this four letters words... HELP! |
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you oughta stay |